Jeff went into the investment banking business. I took a lowly position with a small but growing publishing company. While I was working my way up Jeff was failing miserably at banking. When Jeff’s company was forced to downsize it was a no-brainer that Jeff was one of the first to go. He quit looking for work after about six months then he quit daily bathing and shaving. He would get mad when I refused him sex when he hadn’t showered in two days. Besides, sex with Jeff wasn’t that great when he was bathed and sober. I divorced him when his beer drinking got to twelve bottles a day. I thank my lucky stars that we decided early on to wait ‘til later to have kids. I have been single now for just under four years. I have had sex maybe six times in these four years. None of the sex was of the mind blowing type. No, it was mostly fumbling bumbling sex that was over almost before it began. I keep thinking that there must be something more to sex. I have never had an orgasm with a man.. "Which makes it all the harder for those of uswho have none."Despite the colder weather, the snow had stayed away, leaving everythinglooking brown and dead, only adding to my gloomy mood as the days wentby.Finally, it was the night before Christmas, and as I prepared for anempty holiday, I wept. "You know what I wish, Angel?" I asked my newfriend during a break in my day. "I just wish I knew if my daughter wasokay. I wish my wife could forgive me for needing to transition. And Iwish I knew if God loved me, since it feels like nobody else does."I went back inside, and got ready for bed, and cried myself to sleep.Christmas morning, I woke up, and looked out my window. "Its ... snowed!"I laughed, despite my internal pain. The ground was covered in a whiteblanket, and somehow everything seemed made so much more beautiful forit.I put on a coat, went outside, and picked up a handful of snow in frontof my angel, saying, "Isnt it pretty, Angel?"Then I thought of my daughter, probably.
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